The Pond Overfloweth
Classical Book Pitches in a late March Mashup
Having missed the Ides of March by a decent stretch, we decided to make up for it.
With ever-woke publishers scrubbing and re-scrubbing authors Shakespeare, Dr. Seuss, and Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, (how we’ve been waiting for that description of Augustus Gloop to be changed from ‘enormously fat’ to just ‘enormous’) we thought we’d throw a few revision proposals into the mix—all classics.
We know how much book editors loves a good, relevant adaptation pitch.
You know, something that would go great in a graphic novel. Something engaging enough to make today’s wayward youth put down the vape pen and get lost in their own learning style… but sensitive enough to help them see how privileged—or oppressed, usually it’s oppressed—they really are.
Ah, the true joy of classics.
With a few exceptions.
Read on for our suggestions, and stick around for D.T. Adams’ takeaways non-snarky takeaways from the ‘The Aeneid’ As always, and in the words of Odysseus to the boys in the Trojan horse, “quit crowding, buckle up… and for the love of the gods, watch the sword!”
As always, read on if you dare.
Western Classics, Fully Assimilated
In no particular order:
Julius Caesar… onstage as you NEVER Imagined It.
New York City instead of ancient Rome.
Donald Trump (not an actor, the actual former president) as Caesar.
Robert Mueller and D.A. Alvin Bragg as Brutus and Mark Anthony, respectively.
Robert Cahaly (predicted Trump’s 2016 win) as the Soothsayer.
Stormy Daniels as Caesar’s wife Calpurnia.
Real swords and real blood.
And Kanye West (pre-antisemitism, and in a cameo so brief he can’t possibly go there…) as Cinna the Poet, the bystander mistaken for one of Caesar’s assassin with the same name.
“But I’m Ye the poet! I’m Ye the poet!”
“Tear him for his bad verses!”
Long live Roman democracy.
Oppression and Privilege
The Aeneid
This T.V. series adaptation follows Aeneas, and his band of CRT evangelists. One particular encounter involves the Latins who, upon hearing this new CRT gospel, refuse to apologize for the color of their skin.
The story takes a turn when, in the midst of a negotiation, one Latin tires of hearing about intersectionality for the hundredth time and hurls a spear into the Trojan ranks. There follows an intense battle, during which the CRT gods send down the Fury, a pink-haired feminist with a Gender Studies Ph.D., to strike fear into the hearts of the Latins.
The series concludes with Turnus, kneeling before Aeneas and asking for mercy; however, Aeneas sees the belt of a fallen soldier on Turnus’s shoulder. “You would dare to appropriate our culture?” the enraged Aeneas cries, as he plunges his sword hilt-deep into Turnus’s Western-privileged heart.
'Nobody won't use my pronouns!'
Homer’s Odyssey
First-person coming-of-age graphic novel, told from the non-binary cyclops in 'The Odyssey.' When our bullied, misunderstood cyclops meets 'Nobody' and his band of tiny soldiers, they / them / cy / cem gracefully educates the ruffians on CGI (cyclops gender identity)... But to no avail.
Soon enough, our heart-of-gold hero finds themselves drunk, blinded, and facing off with home invaders while howling for help from the island's mental health officer.
The final insult?
This 'Nobody' keeps misgendering cem.
Climate Change Denial Comes with Consequences
The Trial and Death of Socrates
A movie drama, where Socrates is put on trial for teaching the youth of the city of Athens that there is no climate crisis… and for driving excessively to and from his student meetings on a gasoline-powered papaki scooter. The city council is concerned that the climate gods are angry due to Socrates’s unbelief and the spreading of his atheism (not to carbon emissions). The drama follows the various stages of Socrates’s trial: his prosecution, his defense, and his final word.
He is, in the end, given the death penalty, and forced to drive off a cliff, Thelma and Louise style.
Only then does the city counsel announce that all Athenians will be trading in their scooters for 60,000 drachma Teslas… regardless of the city’s failing power grid.
From the Commonplace
Because we can’t resist, here’s more from the ever-quotable Paul Johnson… fun-sized and for the road.
“Most people are resistant to ideas, especially new ones. But they are fascinated by character. Extravagance of personality is one way in which the pill can be sugared and the public induced to look at works dealing with ideas.”1
On Jean-Jacques Rosseau:
“His insomnia was partly fantasy, since various people testify to his snoring.”2
On Leo Tolstoy:
“But the difficulty about both Tolstoy and God dwelling in the same soul was that Tolstoy was extremely suspicious of his creator, as Gorky noted. It reminded him of ‘two bears in one den.”3
On Ernest Hemingway:
“He was a man killed by his art, and his life holds a lesson all intellectuals need to learn: that art is not enough.”4
On Jean-Paul Sartre and actor John Huston, working on a screenplay together.
“Huston was amazed to see that Sartre took notes of his own words when he talked. Sometimes Huston left the room, unable to bear the endless procession of words. But the distant drone of Sartre’s voice followed him around the house. When Huston returned to the room, he found Sartre still talking.”5
On Marx and Engels:
“In a curious way each needed the other, like a pair of stage comedians in a double act, unable to perform separately, frequently grumbling but always in the end sticking together.”6
On literary critic Edmund Wilson:
“Wilson’s research and writings centered around a strong, warm, penetrating and civilized concern for people, both as groups and individuals, rather than abstract ideas… this gave color and vivacity to his literary criticism, and made it so enjoyable.”7
On intellectuals in general:
“...far from being highly individualistic and non-conformist people, [they] follow regular patterns of behavior. Taken as a group, they are often ultra-conformist within the circles formed by those whose approval they seek and value. This is what makes them, en masse, so dangerous.”8
The Aeneid: Fate and the Gods
You’re captain of the fleet, sailing toward war and destiny in a foreign land. At the helm, and lulled by the ship’s rocking, you start to nod off. You try to shake it off, but this time is different; it’s almost as if another power is at work in you, dragging you to a deeper sleep than you’ve ever known.
Eventually, you succumb, and your limp body falls into the sea.
Such is the story of Palinurus, the lead captain of the Trojan fleet in the Aeneid. In exchange for safe passage for the Trojans, the god Neptune demands one soul be lost to his kingdom—Palinurus is that soul. This portion of the story is representative of the gods' behavior throughout the Aeneid and reveals a world of fear, uncertainty and desperation.
As the Trojans escape the burning city of Troy and journey across the sea, under the leadership of Aeneas, to find their promised homeland of Italy, the gods time and again disrupt their quest. Aeneas falls in love with Dido, the queen of Carthage, as a result of the scheming of Juno, the queen of the gods. Later, as the Trojans are resting on land, Juno sends Iris to stir up the Trojan women to light their ships on fire. Jupiter (or Zeus) protects all but one of their ships, displaying the conflict even among the gods.
These petty gods, arguing over who is going to get their way, are a far cry from the God of the Bible, Yahweh. They are fickle, amoral, arbitrary, and often cruel. In the Greek and Trojan world, nothing is guaranteed except that which the fates have revealed.
But even revelations change over time.
Contrast this with the Christian view of the world. A God who is consistent and orderly creates a universe that operates according to certain laws. It is only on this foundation of consistency that we can have any hope of understanding the world around us. Much like the point of the Ransom Trilogy we’ve discussed here over the last several months, there is an order to the cosmos; an order that is a revelation of the consistency and order of God Himself.
The next time you hear someone touting the glories of the ancient Greek gods, (or someone like Thor) remember how fickle and unpredictable those gods were. And the next time you see the sunrise in the east, instead of the west, remember that the Christian God is a consistent and orderly God, not an apathetic or arbitrary one.
Coming up
Apt with his timing, Noah Elkins returns post-Easter, with some thoughts on the metaphysical, deeply hopeful poetry of George Herbert.
Don’t miss it.
Paul Johnson, ‘Intellectuals’ Harper Perennial. Page 13.
Paul Johnson, ‘Intellectuals’ Harper Perennial. Page 9.
Paul Johnson, ‘Intellectuals’ Harper Perennial. Page 108.
Paul Johnson, ‘Intellectuals’ Harper Perennial. Page 172.
Paul Johnson, ‘Intellectuals’ Harper Perennial. Page 249.
Paul Johnson, ‘Intellectuals’ Harper Perennial. Page 75.
Paul Johnson, ‘Intellectuals’ Harper Perennial. Page 268.
Paul Johnson, ‘Intellectuals’ Harper Perennial. Page 342